I'm back... I don't know if i can say I'm back home... because I've been to quite a few places now and left pieces of my heart behind... this place doesn't seem the same.  It seems strange and alien, but it hasn't really changed.  Same faces, same ol' dirty streets...  and yet everything's different.  New house, new people living with us, different me.  

I came back with a stank attitude.  I didn't want to be here... I put up walls, even with my own mom.  I think it was because all year, while I was away, I reflected a lot on my own childhood and the issues I have now because of it.  Nothing extreme happened... but nothing extreme has to happen for you to put yourself into a mental rut... a lack of a few essentials can do it.  But, thank the Lord, after talking with a few friends, a lot is back into perspective.  It's cliche, but Stay positive!  I need to remind myself of that over and over again, for Pete's sake, stay positive.  I have a real nack for looking at the negative things about my life and even people around me.  Maybe when i stop being so critical of myself, i can stop being so critical of other people.  Jeremiah 61.  I know I am back here for a reason.  I didn't want to come back, but I am here, back home, for four months... there is a reason.  I talked to Christine, which was really good, and we talked about what goals we had in mind for the summer.  I really want to work on my relationship with my dad, and be there and pray for him because i don't think his health is doing too well.  He's lost so much weight... I don't know what the deal is exactly, he hasn't taken any xrays... but just talking about that reminded me that God has me here... He's already prepared the way...   

Why do I do what I do?  Why do I believe what I believe? Why do I pray?  Some questions that came up while waiting for the bus, after Thanksgiving weekend, with a couple strangers. 

We started talking about music at first.  Rock, punk, alternative..., what were the bands called... oiy, I only remember one: bad religion.  Actually pretty good.  Awesome bass guitarist.  The guy that introduced it to me, Brock was his name, said that the lead singer was actually a really intelligent guy and had a phd and was writing his discertation on how athiests and Christians can coexhist.  It's not out yet but I'll look into it when he publishes it.  He said he doesn't necessarily agree with all of what the artists of Bad Religion believe...

So I asked him what he believed... and told me, that honestly he could not deny that God is real.  He questioned His existence, as most of us have.  He wondered, if God was really so good, why would he allow such horrible things to happen.  A question i think free will can only answer.  We live in a freer world than we think a more fallen world that we realize, with our own consequences and sometimes with tragic events.  But after some incidents in his life, with near death experiences and a story he shared with be about his father, he said he could deny God no longer.  And despite all the questions I can and cannot answer, that is my conclusion as well.  There are certain things that have happened in my life, testimonies I've heard and things I've wittnessed that I cannot deny God.   

So that is what drives me.  That is why I still hope and do what I can do for good.  Hope and peace is real.  It is something that I wish everyone would find.  But those things exist for what?  What higher purpose?  Those things exist because God is real.  There is a world unseen, a spiritual world, and we all know that it is a fight to keep what is good... It takes work at any relationship, to maintain balance, to keep good health, it's harder to forgive, so hard to swallow our own pride, to not take offense, to not fall into that pitty party,     

I write this to remember what I learn from my encounters with these strangers and to make clear in my own mind what I really value... still not there, but will get back to this... oiy, and Brock, so sorry I didn't get his email or told to check out Vanguard for school.. =(  maybe i'll run into him again, if not, so be it. ok, gotta go do some homework. =D And keeping this open ended and keepin an open mind, What do you guys think? What drives you?             

What a great weekend. =D So lets start with Friday.  Ummmmm, oh yeah.  I went on a 5 hour bike ride with Edsel.  We rode to Huntington beach and back, which was exciting to visit because it was the very first place I went to when I first came to SoCal back when I was still at Eastern.  Ahhh wonderful memories with Kanika, Karen and Kimmie.  We had dinner Rubie's at the end of the peer with a beautiful view of the ocean and sunset.   It was strange because i remember being so amazed that I was in California, but now i feel like its home.  =)  There were so many surfers there, probably about 50...one day... one day I'll be out there too. 

Saturday I finally got to work with Habitat on a build day! =D  Stacy aren't ya proud?  It was fun.  I love working with my hands, hence all the crochetting and knitting that I do... But we shovelled all day.  I learned how to use a power saw, (shout out to Stacy on that one, her favorite piece of machinery )  and a roader tiller which took me and Christen for a ride, wooh.  I also learned how to put in drainage.  Your house needs fixing?  No need to call a handi-man.  =) 

Sunday.  Bonfire at the beach.  Christine and I sat at the shore and jammed on the guitar.  It was cool cus i sang to her songs while she was playing and then she sang while i played all the worship songs i could remember.  Good times. Good times. =o)  Blessed times.  

 Hey guys, this is us at our morning prayer group.  It was a morning that was especially hard to wake up for.  Starting from me going clock wise is Pearl (in the middle).  She's from Hawaii, such a sweet spirit.  =)  Then its Jen from San Jose, Christine!!!! you all have heard about such an amazing friend Christine, if not, you'll meet her eventually, =o) then my precious roommate Katie.  My other roommate loves to sleep so she's not here.  But here's Katie, she keeps me in line with my studying.  Another sweet spirit. =o)

Woah people, get ready for some honesty... the reason why i'm writing this on my xanga is to be transparent with you guys.  These are the thoughts that run through my head, =O) don't get scared.

It's so easy to hear that voice,
telling you, you're not worth it, it's better off just to end it now instead of going on in a life that you think is humiliation and pain.  This pain and humiliation is not even real though.  The feelings may be, but those feelings are based on false notions.   That's why it's so important to hold onto what you know is true.  It WILL set you free, free from the lies that slip into your thoughts.  They creep in, but they can get a hold of you so tight if you don't reject them, if you don't immidiately dismiss them.   Jealousy and lies will turn you into a monster.  Don't dwell on those thoughts that are trying to make their way into you.  Most of my thoughts that slip in are based on what other people think of me.  If I think that a person that i hold high in my eyes things less of me, i feel this overwhelming feeling of condemnation.   I'm living in a legalistic way with people.  Thinking that my actions will gain me their approval. I am so eager to have people's approvals... But godly love is not like that.  We live for an audience of one together.  Yet God does not want us to live in a legalistic way with Him either.   Actions will flow out of love in the heart in a natural way.  From the overflow of the heart, the mouth shall speak.